Welcome 2014

This blog is a little late in welcoming the new year, but better late than never, I always say.

2013 taught me many lessons. I learned a lot about myself, my relationships with others, my identity as a mother, etc. I struggled through a whole lot of internal battles and I didn't really ask for much input from anyone else. It seems I get better at that as I get older. I smile in spite of everything I'm feeling inside. I do a pretty great job of fooling everyone into believing that I don't have a worry in the world when, in fact, I'm stressing to the max. I don't do that to be some kind of martyr - I just get tired of looking like a victim all the time. I may feel like one - hell, I may even actually be one - but I want to be strong and independent. I don't want pity. I learned that I don't have to tell everyone ever struggle I'm going through in order to get through it. In fact, my struggles have seemed to move through more quickly when I keep them to myself.

I turned 28 in 2013. I'm quickly approaching 30 and that is causing some inner turmoil, as well. My family doesn't live long, generally - and it almost seems like 30 is the halfway point - like my life will be half over. I don't know how to enjoy my "youth" if I keep thinking that way but it is very hard to ignore mortality. We're all going to die one day and what will our lives have meant when we do? Will it matter to anyone when we're gone. It's probably too early for me to be worrying about all that - but I just wish I could come to find a peaceful feeling about it, instead of all the stress. When I go I want to leave behind a good image - an image my son can be proud of. I want to leave behind people who miss me, but people who will celebrate my life more than they mourn my death. I don't want to leave behind sadness. I want to leave behind peace.

I'm approaching 3 years with my boyfriend (January 19th). It's been a rollercoaster so far - but I don't ever want to get off. I always dreamed that love would be some epic movement in my life - that it would be the stuff of fairy tales. I've learned that love like that doesn't exist. Love isn't about googly eyes and 365 romantic days a year. It's about the hard times - the struggles. It's about having someone there with you when everything has fallen apart to say, "come on, let's put it all back together." It's about finding your strength in someone else and realizing that the two of you are more powerful together than you are apart. Robert says we are a "power couple" because of our awesome cell phones - but truth be told, I think we're a power couple for 100 other reasons. The first being that we've stuck together through some seriously difficult times. Some might say that we shouldn't be together or that we should have given up - but no one makes me happier than Robert does. No one knows me like he does. I don't share things with other people like I share things with him. I can speak every thought in my head without worrying if Robert will judge me. He won't. He supports my decisions, he encourages my personal growth. Robert is a good man and I love him. I love him more every day and I look forward to many more anniversaries with him.

Quincey turned 8 December 31st. I look at him and am still surprised that he was once a resident of my uterus. I'm also surprised that such an intelligent and funny little person is a product of me. He makes me laugh and I seriously don't know where he comes up with some of the stuff he says. He's the sweetest little boy too sometimes. He definitely has his difficult moments - he has "only child syndrome". Though he has 2 brothers and 1 sister, he is MY only child and because of that I have admittedly spoiled him. It is starting to be increasingly evident that Quincey is unappreciative, but I have to take responsibility for my part in making him that way and take steps to correct it. Most of the time though, he's just simply the greatest joy in my life. He's the one thing that I have done absolutely right in my life.

I quit smoking on December 21st. I've smoked since I was 11 years old (on and off - but mostly on) and I have struggled with quitting over and over again. For some reason, this time it wasn't quite as hard. I still have cravings but the money I've saved by not buying cigarettes has made a notable difference in my stress levels and has served as a motivator to stay quit.

I'm not sure what I want from 2014 - maybe just a little better luck. At any rate, I wish everyone a very happy new year!