Two Whole Years

Our two year anniversary is less than a month away... so, babe, this one is for you. <3

Robert, the last two years with you cannot be described in only a few words. There's been a lot of good and a lot of bad. Sometimes I felt like it couldn't possibly get any better than us... and sometimes I was afraid it wouldn't work. The beauty of us is that you and I are two very different people who somehow learned how to make that a good thing. We balance each other out so well its scary sometimes. I'm emotional and you're calm. You're spontaneous and I'm responsible. I'm by the book and you bend the rules. You think clearly while I worry. We fight because we're so different but I think that's why we love each other, too. You fill in all the blanks in my life. We are not perfect people and we don't have a perfect relationship, but perfect is boring and I'm glad I have you. People who think you're a bad person don't know you like I do. I see through your past to who you are right now, and who you want to be. I never believed in soul mates - there's too much hurt and betrayal in the world for that - but I do believe you're as close as it gets for me. Its hard to be your girl sometimes, but its so easy to love you that its impossible to want it any other way. I'll always complain and nag and bitch because I'll always want something better for you... for us. I hope you'll always give me a run for my money, and keep things interesting. All I ask is that you love me through it all - through every argument, every word I wish I hadn't said, every mistake... because I'LL never give up on YOU. I will be here every day riding out every storm, every bump in the road. I know a side of you that not many get to see, and I'm honored. You gave me a life I never thought I'd have the courage to get for myself. You made the journey with me and you were my rock... my shoulder to lean on when I didn't know what to do. I've never been so comfortable with anyone - so free to be myself. I can say anything to you and you never seem surprised at what comes out of my mouth anymore. Its nice to have that familiarity. I never thought I could love a man so much. You showed me what its like to be completely vulnerable but to trust that I'm not going to get hurt. I opened up to you like I've never opened up to anyone. You know all my dirty little secrets and you love me anyway... just like I know yours and do the same. Two years is huge... but I'm sure I'll be saying the same when we hit 20. "Ain't no stoppin us now..." I hope that you truly are the love of my life and that every day with you will give me new reasons to love you. I hope our future is bright and full of fun and happiness. I hope we never forget our struggles so we can be truly thankful for our blessings. I love you, Robert Edward Michael Jr. now and forever. <3<3

I Wish I Knew

It's hard being kept from someone that you love. Distance is supposed to make the heart grow fonder - but I think it also produces doubts. I mean, deep down I know the situation. I know that he doesn't call me every day because he doesn't have a ton of money and that eating is a little more important than talking on the phone - but I'm getting to the point where I am bitter because he doesn't call. It makes me mad and it makes me think thoughts like, "I'm glad he doesn't call and when he does I'm not picking it up anyway." I know I will, when he calls, but why doesn't he fucking call?? I know I answered my own question, but for real. This sucks. Tomorrow is Christmas and I just want to hear his voice. I need him to tell me everything's going to be okay because I don't believe it so much anymore. If I knew life was going to suck this hard I never would have signed up.

Lord help me.

Yesterday was 23 months for my boyfriend and I. That means in one month will be 2 years... and he won't be home for it.

I am overwhelmed with Christmas being days away suddenly, because I still have things to wrap and I just... well... don't feel like it.

Ever since my boyfriend has been locked up, I've been lazy and unmotivated and generally unhappy. I'm irritable, easily annoyed, impatient, touchy, emotional, and irrational... unless my son is around, and then it's different.

I think just being alone gets to me. It makes me want to sleep - a lot - and I can't even do that right.

I know that there are some people who do understand what this is like - but a lot of people don't. Let me enlighten you.

Most days are spent hoping he calls - to say he has an "open door," or just to say he loves me. He doesn't call that often. In fact, it's pretty rare, I go for days without talking to him. Some days I work through a miserably slow work day, sick with anticipation, because I get to pick him up after work and spend a measly two hours with the man I've spent almost two years in a relationship with. I get to drive him somewhere to fill out an application, and then take him back to hell. Other days I'll drop things off to him - food, clothes, money (that I don't even really have), and he'll come out to take the stuff, hug me and kiss me, tell me he loves me, and go back in. Most nights I spend wondering how long this is going to go on and if he'll still love me the same when he comes home. I wonder what he's doing and if he misses me as much as I miss him. Other nights, I can't bear it, and I cry myself to sleep.

Is it hard to stay faithful? No. That's the easiest part. I don't just crave affection - I crave affection from him. I can't even picture someone else in his place anymore. This is the path I chose and I'll never intentionally hurt him or do something that could damage our relationship. I've been that girl, and she's not cute. 

Life goes on out here, waiting for him to come home. I get a little older every day and he misses out on time that he'll never get back. I imagine that it's worse for him to sit in there with company he doesn't want doing things he's made to do - and I feel bad on one hand, and on the other I don't - because this could have been avoided. I feel bad for me.

I don't regret being in love with him, because he has helped me become a different, more independent person and loving him just feels good - it feels right. If it's possible to regret choices someone else made, that's what I regret. At the same time, I wish I could patch it all up and make it better for him, and for me. 

We've had a bumpy relationship, but as soon as we stopped inviting other people to weigh in on our problems, things got better. Sometimes I felt like I was going to explode with frustration because I was bottling things up, and I don't do that well - but overall, talking to HIM solves the problems - talking to friends usually makes them seem bigger than they are. I'm glad we've come so far, and I hope to go much further, because through everything he's a part of what makes me "me," and I wouldn't change that for the world.

<3 - J

Madness Ensues

I've always been a little off-my-rocker, but honestly, right now I feel like either breaking everything in my house with a baseball bat, smashing glass all over the floor, and walking through it barefoot or curling up in my bed, all alone, and just crying until I go numb.

Life has been very trying lately, to say the least. I feel like my limits are being pushed excessively hard and I'm losing my momentum in the process. I am so strong 90% of the time. I push through regardless - I might cry a little (or a lot) on the way but I always make it. If I've done that over and over again, why can't I catch a break? I've done some bad things in the past, but I think karma has more than kicked my ass for those things. I hope that 2013 is my year. I say that every year and cross my fingers hoping, but alas, something always fucks up "my year."

2012 has been decent to me as far as me growing as a person and gaining some nice things, meeting some great people, etc. All that seems to pale in comparison, though, to my struggles. Maybe that's just me wallowing in self-pity, but in all honesty, those were my good things, and this is my misery, and damn it, I'll cry if I want to.

I feel very alone right now, even though I know for sure that there are other people who know what I'm going through. That doesn't change the fact that I go to bed alone every night, and wake up just the same in the morning. It doesn't make me feel any better to know that others have suffered, and do suffer the same circumstances. It just makes me feel sorry for them, too.

I wish that my life was even a little "normal." I wish I had a two-income household and that I worked the same shift as my boyfriend. I wish I could afford daycare for my son. I wish I was engaged and planning my intimate, little wedding. I wish I could afford to take a little vacation every summer. I wish I could grocery shop without worrying about spending more than I have. I wish I had gas in my car to go wherever I need to go, whenever I need to go there. I wish I worked closer to my house and didn't spend 10+ hours a week commuting. I wish my boyfriend and I had a date night every month, and did fun things together like bowling, going to the movies, and going out to eat. I wish every decision I had to make didn't end with, "but I have to pay the bills."

I am so tired of struggling. I'm so tired of wishing that there was more to my life than there is. I'm sad and I'm bored and I'm absolutely losing my fucking mind!!!

<3 - J

Pop!

So, I'm popping this blog's cherry with a post about the reason why I started it.

I have another blog - I blog about samples that I get and try of whatever product comes in the mail for free.

However, I used to blog all the time about my personal life (a little too in-depth at times, but hell, I was young and wanted to share my enthusiasm/misery with the world) and I actually miss it because it was the best friend that never gave unsolicited advice.

Some of my friends might remember my MySpace blog (scandalous!) and all the things I used to vent about in that forum. Well, this will sort of be the same. Whenever I have something on my mind that I need a captive audience to let steam off to, I'm going to blog. I don't care if even one person reads it, just getting it out of my head and into print will make it worth it. I've been through a shit ton in my life, and my adult life isn't exactly a cake walk, either - but I'd say I'm better-adjusted and more well-equipped to deal with the mishaps now than when I was younger.

A little about me? I just turned 27 years old and I'm struggling with being so close to 30. I'm not sure where my life is going but it certainly feels like NO WHERE right now. I dislike my job that I have had for 2 years, but I'm trying to find a suitable (and better-paying) new one. It has been almost a year since I have lived in my current little townhouse with my boyfriend, who I love very much. I have a son, too, who most literally saved my life... and still does, every single day.

My boyfriend is 24. He's really a mess sometimes, but the important part is that I love him and we've been together for almost 2 years, though we have some "history" before that. Right now, he's working off back child support in Work Release. Right before Christmas - AND our anniversary. I'm not exactly happy about it, clearly. He has 2 kids, a boy and a girl. Our relationship hasn't been the easiest - but anything worth having is worth fighting for, and I know in my heart he's the one for me.

My son will be 7 this month. I had him when I was 20, obviously. He was the biggest shock of my life, but he came along at a crucial point in my life and he changed everything before he was even born. While I sat in the bathroom with the positive test in my hand, it was like my whole situation and everything I should have been doing was so clear all of a sudden. Even though he was a surprise, he is the best thing that ever happened to me. He's so smart, he reads books to me and he knows more math now than I knew in 5th grade. He just amazes me.

I live in a little nothing town that is beside some other nothing towns that are filled with douche bags and raging sluts and a few unfortunate awesome people like me who just fell into the madness somehow, or grew up with it and never got out. I grew up in a town like these and I got out just to come to another one. I always say, though, it's not the place - it's the people.

There's a whole lot of other shit I could talk about - like my favorite everything and how I love cuddling and long walks on the beach - but we'll get to all that one day. Until then...

<3 J