This blog is a little late in welcoming the new year, but better late than never, I always say.
2013 taught me many lessons. I learned a lot about myself, my relationships with others, my identity as a mother, etc. I struggled through a whole lot of internal battles and I didn't really ask for much input from anyone else. It seems I get better at that as I get older. I smile in spite of everything I'm feeling inside. I do a pretty great job of fooling everyone into believing that I don't have a worry in the world when, in fact, I'm stressing to the max. I don't do that to be some kind of martyr - I just get tired of looking like a victim all the time. I may feel like one - hell, I may even actually be one - but I want to be strong and independent. I don't want pity. I learned that I don't have to tell everyone ever struggle I'm going through in order to get through it. In fact, my struggles have seemed to move through more quickly when I keep them to myself.
I turned 28 in 2013. I'm quickly approaching 30 and that is causing some inner turmoil, as well. My family doesn't live long, generally - and it almost seems like 30 is the halfway point - like my life will be half over. I don't know how to enjoy my "youth" if I keep thinking that way but it is very hard to ignore mortality. We're all going to die one day and what will our lives have meant when we do? Will it matter to anyone when we're gone. It's probably too early for me to be worrying about all that - but I just wish I could come to find a peaceful feeling about it, instead of all the stress. When I go I want to leave behind a good image - an image my son can be proud of. I want to leave behind people who miss me, but people who will celebrate my life more than they mourn my death. I don't want to leave behind sadness. I want to leave behind peace.
I'm approaching 3 years with my boyfriend (January 19th). It's been a rollercoaster so far - but I don't ever want to get off. I always dreamed that love would be some epic movement in my life - that it would be the stuff of fairy tales. I've learned that love like that doesn't exist. Love isn't about googly eyes and 365 romantic days a year. It's about the hard times - the struggles. It's about having someone there with you when everything has fallen apart to say, "come on, let's put it all back together." It's about finding your strength in someone else and realizing that the two of you are more powerful together than you are apart. Robert says we are a "power couple" because of our awesome cell phones - but truth be told, I think we're a power couple for 100 other reasons. The first being that we've stuck together through some seriously difficult times. Some might say that we shouldn't be together or that we should have given up - but no one makes me happier than Robert does. No one knows me like he does. I don't share things with other people like I share things with him. I can speak every thought in my head without worrying if Robert will judge me. He won't. He supports my decisions, he encourages my personal growth. Robert is a good man and I love him. I love him more every day and I look forward to many more anniversaries with him.
Quincey turned 8 December 31st. I look at him and am still surprised that he was once a resident of my uterus. I'm also surprised that such an intelligent and funny little person is a product of me. He makes me laugh and I seriously don't know where he comes up with some of the stuff he says. He's the sweetest little boy too sometimes. He definitely has his difficult moments - he has "only child syndrome". Though he has 2 brothers and 1 sister, he is MY only child and because of that I have admittedly spoiled him. It is starting to be increasingly evident that Quincey is unappreciative, but I have to take responsibility for my part in making him that way and take steps to correct it. Most of the time though, he's just simply the greatest joy in my life. He's the one thing that I have done absolutely right in my life.
I quit smoking on December 21st. I've smoked since I was 11 years old (on and off - but mostly on) and I have struggled with quitting over and over again. For some reason, this time it wasn't quite as hard. I still have cravings but the money I've saved by not buying cigarettes has made a notable difference in my stress levels and has served as a motivator to stay quit.
I'm not sure what I want from 2014 - maybe just a little better luck. At any rate, I wish everyone a very happy new year!
Bitches
Posted in
betrayal,
bitches,
cheating,
homewreckers,
lies,
men,
relationships,
sluts,
whores,
women
You know what annoys me?
Lots of stuff, but that's beside the point.
I really get pissed at disrespect. Especially for my relationship and my place in it. It's usually bitches that are most careless about the sanctity of a relationship and that it IS in fact, a place for TWO people, unless you're a polygamist, in which case, you're deplorable.
There needs to be a rule book for what is and is not okay in relationships.
If a man is in a relationship, there's no reason for some female who is not his girlfriend to contact him in any form several times every single day unless it's his blood relation. No. Reason. At all. This goes for baby mommas too. If it's not kid-related, don't call. If the kid is old enough to call themselves, you don't need to call at all. As for, "well he shouldn't have had a kid with me if he didn't want to talk to me," he probably regrets having sex with you every day you needy bitch.
It is not okay to engage in conversation with a man who is in a relationship that has to do with sex, at all. Even if you're talking about YOU having sex with SOMEONE ELSE, it's inappropriate and will get your teeth knocked down your throat.
It is not okay to touch or hang on a man, whether in the presence of his girlfriend or not, if he is in a relationship. You're flirting. Fuck off. It's definitely inappropriate to ask for a back rub or for him to "scratch your back" or anything along those lines.
If a man tells you "not to tell his girlfriend" ANYTHING regarding something you said, or he said to you, unless he's asking your opinion on a fucking engagement ring, whatever just occurred between the two of you should not have occurred.
If a man's girlfriend asks you to respect her boundaries and let her man alone, do that. Don't be the reason he becomes single... because whether or not something has happened between you, or could in the future, you have already been deemed guilty. That might not be your fault, but it's not really your place to argue, either.
If you do participate in these things, you're a whore, and in my opinion, you have no argument and nothing you say matters, at all.
Lots of stuff, but that's beside the point.
I really get pissed at disrespect. Especially for my relationship and my place in it. It's usually bitches that are most careless about the sanctity of a relationship and that it IS in fact, a place for TWO people, unless you're a polygamist, in which case, you're deplorable.
There needs to be a rule book for what is and is not okay in relationships.
If a man is in a relationship, there's no reason for some female who is not his girlfriend to contact him in any form several times every single day unless it's his blood relation. No. Reason. At all. This goes for baby mommas too. If it's not kid-related, don't call. If the kid is old enough to call themselves, you don't need to call at all. As for, "well he shouldn't have had a kid with me if he didn't want to talk to me," he probably regrets having sex with you every day you needy bitch.
It is not okay to engage in conversation with a man who is in a relationship that has to do with sex, at all. Even if you're talking about YOU having sex with SOMEONE ELSE, it's inappropriate and will get your teeth knocked down your throat.
It is not okay to touch or hang on a man, whether in the presence of his girlfriend or not, if he is in a relationship. You're flirting. Fuck off. It's definitely inappropriate to ask for a back rub or for him to "scratch your back" or anything along those lines.
If a man tells you "not to tell his girlfriend" ANYTHING regarding something you said, or he said to you, unless he's asking your opinion on a fucking engagement ring, whatever just occurred between the two of you should not have occurred.
If a man's girlfriend asks you to respect her boundaries and let her man alone, do that. Don't be the reason he becomes single... because whether or not something has happened between you, or could in the future, you have already been deemed guilty. That might not be your fault, but it's not really your place to argue, either.
If you do participate in these things, you're a whore, and in my opinion, you have no argument and nothing you say matters, at all.
I Wonder...
Every day is full of life's little curiosities. Here are some of mine:
-Why are male humans, young and old, unable to urinate without leaving evidence on the toilet seat?
-Why are big ass freight trucks even allowed in the passing lane on the highway?
-To continue on that thought, shouldn't there be a law that big trucks need to be parked between the hours of 7am and 9am as well as 3pm and 5pm? Take a nap!
-If a car is clearly speeding and is less than 20 yards away from you, why would you pull out in front of it?
-Shouldn't mechanics be required to add to their "State inspection: $52" with something like "...unless your car is fucked up, then we're going to rape your ass with your pants up!"?
-Why does food that is so bad for you taste so good? Can't we make chocolate flavored lettuce? Get on it, scientists!
-Shouldn't car dealerships have to advertise their $119 a month payment with no APR have a disclaimer saying "unless you have shitty credit, in which case, you can fuck off."?
-Why does a gallon of milk cost more than a gallon of gas? I have to decide if I want cereal for breakfast or if I'd rather drive to work. Smh.
-Why don't people have to pass a psychological screening to own a firearm? Sure, Jeffrey Dahmer - here's a hand gun for you and a nice double barrel shotgun for your friend Charles Manson. Are you kidding me?
-Why aren't we drug testing Welfare recipients in EVERY state? Florida tried it for like 5 minutes. Fuck them. If I have to pass a drug test to get the job to pay the taxes that pay for Welfare, I want to know its not being spent on crack, meth, and heroin.
-Why are there drug dealers (I'm talkin like WEED here, people) in prisons doing more time than pedophile child molesters who have irreversibly damaged a child (or children) for the rest of his or her life?
-Why do teachers make less money than correctional officers? If we fix the kids before they're broken, the corrections department wont be in such dire need for employees.
-Why do nurses make less money than doctors? The nurses do all the work and know just as much - they just didn't go to school as LONG!
-(Disclaimer before you read this one: I work for an agency that helps people who are disabled and I hold no prejudice against anyone at all, this is just a peeve of mine) Why are there so many agencies out there for people with disabilities that do things like pay tens of thousands of dollars for their schooling, equipment, etc. when everyone else has to take out loans, apply for grants, and write essays for scholarships for those things? Are they not fighting for equality? Come on, now.
-Why are we sending people to jail to be "rehabilitated" and sending them out into the world expecting them to be upstanding members of society but still allowing employers to discriminate against them for their past offenses?
-Why does the man who had sex with a "consenting" teenager who HAD a "consenting" parent until they broke up get the same consequences as the man who molested an infant?
-Why are cars able to go so fast if the speed limit is rarely more than 65mph?
-Why do you have to be a total bitch sometimes to get what you want from a company when they know they offer the solution, anyway - do they like to argue? *cough*Comcast*cough*
I have soooooo many more, but its past my bedtime! Goodnight, world.
Two Whole Years
Posted in
anniversary,
future,
love
Our two year anniversary is less than a month away... so, babe, this one is for you. <3
Robert, the last two years with you cannot be described in only a few words. There's been a lot of good and a lot of bad. Sometimes I felt like it couldn't possibly get any better than us... and sometimes I was afraid it wouldn't work. The beauty of us is that you and I are two very different people who somehow learned how to make that a good thing. We balance each other out so well its scary sometimes. I'm emotional and you're calm. You're spontaneous and I'm responsible. I'm by the book and you bend the rules. You think clearly while I worry. We fight because we're so different but I think that's why we love each other, too. You fill in all the blanks in my life. We are not perfect people and we don't have a perfect relationship, but perfect is boring and I'm glad I have you. People who think you're a bad person don't know you like I do. I see through your past to who you are right now, and who you want to be. I never believed in soul mates - there's too much hurt and betrayal in the world for that - but I do believe you're as close as it gets for me. Its hard to be your girl sometimes, but its so easy to love you that its impossible to want it any other way. I'll always complain and nag and bitch because I'll always want something better for you... for us. I hope you'll always give me a run for my money, and keep things interesting. All I ask is that you love me through it all - through every argument, every word I wish I hadn't said, every mistake... because I'LL never give up on YOU. I will be here every day riding out every storm, every bump in the road. I know a side of you that not many get to see, and I'm honored. You gave me a life I never thought I'd have the courage to get for myself. You made the journey with me and you were my rock... my shoulder to lean on when I didn't know what to do. I've never been so comfortable with anyone - so free to be myself. I can say anything to you and you never seem surprised at what comes out of my mouth anymore. Its nice to have that familiarity. I never thought I could love a man so much. You showed me what its like to be completely vulnerable but to trust that I'm not going to get hurt. I opened up to you like I've never opened up to anyone. You know all my dirty little secrets and you love me anyway... just like I know yours and do the same. Two years is huge... but I'm sure I'll be saying the same when we hit 20. "Ain't no stoppin us now..." I hope that you truly are the love of my life and that every day with you will give me new reasons to love you. I hope our future is bright and full of fun and happiness. I hope we never forget our struggles so we can be truly thankful for our blessings. I love you, Robert Edward Michael Jr. now and forever. <3<3
I Wish I Knew
Posted in
christmas,
lonely,
love,
relationships,
sad
It's hard being kept from someone that you love. Distance is supposed to make the heart grow fonder - but I think it also produces doubts. I mean, deep down I know the situation. I know that he doesn't call me every day because he doesn't have a ton of money and that eating is a little more important than talking on the phone - but I'm getting to the point where I am bitter because he doesn't call. It makes me mad and it makes me think thoughts like, "I'm glad he doesn't call and when he does I'm not picking it up anyway." I know I will, when he calls, but why doesn't he fucking call?? I know I answered my own question, but for real. This sucks. Tomorrow is Christmas and I just want to hear his voice. I need him to tell me everything's going to be okay because I don't believe it so much anymore. If I knew life was going to suck this hard I never would have signed up.
Lord help me.
Yesterday was 23 months for my boyfriend and I. That means in one month will be 2 years... and he won't be home for it.
I am overwhelmed with Christmas being days away suddenly, because I still have things to wrap and I just... well... don't feel like it.
Ever since my boyfriend has been locked up, I've been lazy and unmotivated and generally unhappy. I'm irritable, easily annoyed, impatient, touchy, emotional, and irrational... unless my son is around, and then it's different.
I think just being alone gets to me. It makes me want to sleep - a lot - and I can't even do that right.
I know that there are some people who do understand what this is like - but a lot of people don't. Let me enlighten you.
Most days are spent hoping he calls - to say he has an "open door," or just to say he loves me. He doesn't call that often. In fact, it's pretty rare, I go for days without talking to him. Some days I work through a miserably slow work day, sick with anticipation, because I get to pick him up after work and spend a measly two hours with the man I've spent almost two years in a relationship with. I get to drive him somewhere to fill out an application, and then take him back to hell. Other days I'll drop things off to him - food, clothes, money (that I don't even really have), and he'll come out to take the stuff, hug me and kiss me, tell me he loves me, and go back in. Most nights I spend wondering how long this is going to go on and if he'll still love me the same when he comes home. I wonder what he's doing and if he misses me as much as I miss him. Other nights, I can't bear it, and I cry myself to sleep.
Is it hard to stay faithful? No. That's the easiest part. I don't just crave affection - I crave affection from him. I can't even picture someone else in his place anymore. This is the path I chose and I'll never intentionally hurt him or do something that could damage our relationship. I've been that girl, and she's not cute.
Life goes on out here, waiting for him to come home. I get a little older every day and he misses out on time that he'll never get back. I imagine that it's worse for him to sit in there with company he doesn't want doing things he's made to do - and I feel bad on one hand, and on the other I don't - because this could have been avoided. I feel bad for me.
I don't regret being in love with him, because he has helped me become a different, more independent person and loving him just feels good - it feels right. If it's possible to regret choices someone else made, that's what I regret. At the same time, I wish I could patch it all up and make it better for him, and for me.
We've had a bumpy relationship, but as soon as we stopped inviting other people to weigh in on our problems, things got better. Sometimes I felt like I was going to explode with frustration because I was bottling things up, and I don't do that well - but overall, talking to HIM solves the problems - talking to friends usually makes them seem bigger than they are. I'm glad we've come so far, and I hope to go much further, because through everything he's a part of what makes me "me," and I wouldn't change that for the world.
<3 - J
I am overwhelmed with Christmas being days away suddenly, because I still have things to wrap and I just... well... don't feel like it.
Ever since my boyfriend has been locked up, I've been lazy and unmotivated and generally unhappy. I'm irritable, easily annoyed, impatient, touchy, emotional, and irrational... unless my son is around, and then it's different.
I think just being alone gets to me. It makes me want to sleep - a lot - and I can't even do that right.
I know that there are some people who do understand what this is like - but a lot of people don't. Let me enlighten you.
Most days are spent hoping he calls - to say he has an "open door," or just to say he loves me. He doesn't call that often. In fact, it's pretty rare, I go for days without talking to him. Some days I work through a miserably slow work day, sick with anticipation, because I get to pick him up after work and spend a measly two hours with the man I've spent almost two years in a relationship with. I get to drive him somewhere to fill out an application, and then take him back to hell. Other days I'll drop things off to him - food, clothes, money (that I don't even really have), and he'll come out to take the stuff, hug me and kiss me, tell me he loves me, and go back in. Most nights I spend wondering how long this is going to go on and if he'll still love me the same when he comes home. I wonder what he's doing and if he misses me as much as I miss him. Other nights, I can't bear it, and I cry myself to sleep.
Is it hard to stay faithful? No. That's the easiest part. I don't just crave affection - I crave affection from him. I can't even picture someone else in his place anymore. This is the path I chose and I'll never intentionally hurt him or do something that could damage our relationship. I've been that girl, and she's not cute.
Life goes on out here, waiting for him to come home. I get a little older every day and he misses out on time that he'll never get back. I imagine that it's worse for him to sit in there with company he doesn't want doing things he's made to do - and I feel bad on one hand, and on the other I don't - because this could have been avoided. I feel bad for me.
I don't regret being in love with him, because he has helped me become a different, more independent person and loving him just feels good - it feels right. If it's possible to regret choices someone else made, that's what I regret. At the same time, I wish I could patch it all up and make it better for him, and for me.
We've had a bumpy relationship, but as soon as we stopped inviting other people to weigh in on our problems, things got better. Sometimes I felt like I was going to explode with frustration because I was bottling things up, and I don't do that well - but overall, talking to HIM solves the problems - talking to friends usually makes them seem bigger than they are. I'm glad we've come so far, and I hope to go much further, because through everything he's a part of what makes me "me," and I wouldn't change that for the world.
<3 - J
Madness Ensues
I've always been a little off-my-rocker, but honestly, right now I feel like either breaking everything in my house with a baseball bat, smashing glass all over the floor, and walking through it barefoot or curling up in my bed, all alone, and just crying until I go numb.
Life has been very trying lately, to say the least. I feel like my limits are being pushed excessively hard and I'm losing my momentum in the process. I am so strong 90% of the time. I push through regardless - I might cry a little (or a lot) on the way but I always make it. If I've done that over and over again, why can't I catch a break? I've done some bad things in the past, but I think karma has more than kicked my ass for those things. I hope that 2013 is my year. I say that every year and cross my fingers hoping, but alas, something always fucks up "my year."
2012 has been decent to me as far as me growing as a person and gaining some nice things, meeting some great people, etc. All that seems to pale in comparison, though, to my struggles. Maybe that's just me wallowing in self-pity, but in all honesty, those were my good things, and this is my misery, and damn it, I'll cry if I want to.
I feel very alone right now, even though I know for sure that there are other people who know what I'm going through. That doesn't change the fact that I go to bed alone every night, and wake up just the same in the morning. It doesn't make me feel any better to know that others have suffered, and do suffer the same circumstances. It just makes me feel sorry for them, too.
I wish that my life was even a little "normal." I wish I had a two-income household and that I worked the same shift as my boyfriend. I wish I could afford daycare for my son. I wish I was engaged and planning my intimate, little wedding. I wish I could afford to take a little vacation every summer. I wish I could grocery shop without worrying about spending more than I have. I wish I had gas in my car to go wherever I need to go, whenever I need to go there. I wish I worked closer to my house and didn't spend 10+ hours a week commuting. I wish my boyfriend and I had a date night every month, and did fun things together like bowling, going to the movies, and going out to eat. I wish every decision I had to make didn't end with, "but I have to pay the bills."
I am so tired of struggling. I'm so tired of wishing that there was more to my life than there is. I'm sad and I'm bored and I'm absolutely losing my fucking mind!!!
<3 - J
Life has been very trying lately, to say the least. I feel like my limits are being pushed excessively hard and I'm losing my momentum in the process. I am so strong 90% of the time. I push through regardless - I might cry a little (or a lot) on the way but I always make it. If I've done that over and over again, why can't I catch a break? I've done some bad things in the past, but I think karma has more than kicked my ass for those things. I hope that 2013 is my year. I say that every year and cross my fingers hoping, but alas, something always fucks up "my year."
2012 has been decent to me as far as me growing as a person and gaining some nice things, meeting some great people, etc. All that seems to pale in comparison, though, to my struggles. Maybe that's just me wallowing in self-pity, but in all honesty, those were my good things, and this is my misery, and damn it, I'll cry if I want to.
I feel very alone right now, even though I know for sure that there are other people who know what I'm going through. That doesn't change the fact that I go to bed alone every night, and wake up just the same in the morning. It doesn't make me feel any better to know that others have suffered, and do suffer the same circumstances. It just makes me feel sorry for them, too.
I wish that my life was even a little "normal." I wish I had a two-income household and that I worked the same shift as my boyfriend. I wish I could afford daycare for my son. I wish I was engaged and planning my intimate, little wedding. I wish I could afford to take a little vacation every summer. I wish I could grocery shop without worrying about spending more than I have. I wish I had gas in my car to go wherever I need to go, whenever I need to go there. I wish I worked closer to my house and didn't spend 10+ hours a week commuting. I wish my boyfriend and I had a date night every month, and did fun things together like bowling, going to the movies, and going out to eat. I wish every decision I had to make didn't end with, "but I have to pay the bills."
I am so tired of struggling. I'm so tired of wishing that there was more to my life than there is. I'm sad and I'm bored and I'm absolutely losing my fucking mind!!!
<3 - J
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