Lord help me.

Yesterday was 23 months for my boyfriend and I. That means in one month will be 2 years... and he won't be home for it.

I am overwhelmed with Christmas being days away suddenly, because I still have things to wrap and I just... well... don't feel like it.

Ever since my boyfriend has been locked up, I've been lazy and unmotivated and generally unhappy. I'm irritable, easily annoyed, impatient, touchy, emotional, and irrational... unless my son is around, and then it's different.

I think just being alone gets to me. It makes me want to sleep - a lot - and I can't even do that right.

I know that there are some people who do understand what this is like - but a lot of people don't. Let me enlighten you.

Most days are spent hoping he calls - to say he has an "open door," or just to say he loves me. He doesn't call that often. In fact, it's pretty rare, I go for days without talking to him. Some days I work through a miserably slow work day, sick with anticipation, because I get to pick him up after work and spend a measly two hours with the man I've spent almost two years in a relationship with. I get to drive him somewhere to fill out an application, and then take him back to hell. Other days I'll drop things off to him - food, clothes, money (that I don't even really have), and he'll come out to take the stuff, hug me and kiss me, tell me he loves me, and go back in. Most nights I spend wondering how long this is going to go on and if he'll still love me the same when he comes home. I wonder what he's doing and if he misses me as much as I miss him. Other nights, I can't bear it, and I cry myself to sleep.

Is it hard to stay faithful? No. That's the easiest part. I don't just crave affection - I crave affection from him. I can't even picture someone else in his place anymore. This is the path I chose and I'll never intentionally hurt him or do something that could damage our relationship. I've been that girl, and she's not cute. 

Life goes on out here, waiting for him to come home. I get a little older every day and he misses out on time that he'll never get back. I imagine that it's worse for him to sit in there with company he doesn't want doing things he's made to do - and I feel bad on one hand, and on the other I don't - because this could have been avoided. I feel bad for me.

I don't regret being in love with him, because he has helped me become a different, more independent person and loving him just feels good - it feels right. If it's possible to regret choices someone else made, that's what I regret. At the same time, I wish I could patch it all up and make it better for him, and for me. 

We've had a bumpy relationship, but as soon as we stopped inviting other people to weigh in on our problems, things got better. Sometimes I felt like I was going to explode with frustration because I was bottling things up, and I don't do that well - but overall, talking to HIM solves the problems - talking to friends usually makes them seem bigger than they are. I'm glad we've come so far, and I hope to go much further, because through everything he's a part of what makes me "me," and I wouldn't change that for the world.

<3 - J