Madness Ensues

I've always been a little off-my-rocker, but honestly, right now I feel like either breaking everything in my house with a baseball bat, smashing glass all over the floor, and walking through it barefoot or curling up in my bed, all alone, and just crying until I go numb.

Life has been very trying lately, to say the least. I feel like my limits are being pushed excessively hard and I'm losing my momentum in the process. I am so strong 90% of the time. I push through regardless - I might cry a little (or a lot) on the way but I always make it. If I've done that over and over again, why can't I catch a break? I've done some bad things in the past, but I think karma has more than kicked my ass for those things. I hope that 2013 is my year. I say that every year and cross my fingers hoping, but alas, something always fucks up "my year."

2012 has been decent to me as far as me growing as a person and gaining some nice things, meeting some great people, etc. All that seems to pale in comparison, though, to my struggles. Maybe that's just me wallowing in self-pity, but in all honesty, those were my good things, and this is my misery, and damn it, I'll cry if I want to.

I feel very alone right now, even though I know for sure that there are other people who know what I'm going through. That doesn't change the fact that I go to bed alone every night, and wake up just the same in the morning. It doesn't make me feel any better to know that others have suffered, and do suffer the same circumstances. It just makes me feel sorry for them, too.

I wish that my life was even a little "normal." I wish I had a two-income household and that I worked the same shift as my boyfriend. I wish I could afford daycare for my son. I wish I was engaged and planning my intimate, little wedding. I wish I could afford to take a little vacation every summer. I wish I could grocery shop without worrying about spending more than I have. I wish I had gas in my car to go wherever I need to go, whenever I need to go there. I wish I worked closer to my house and didn't spend 10+ hours a week commuting. I wish my boyfriend and I had a date night every month, and did fun things together like bowling, going to the movies, and going out to eat. I wish every decision I had to make didn't end with, "but I have to pay the bills."

I am so tired of struggling. I'm so tired of wishing that there was more to my life than there is. I'm sad and I'm bored and I'm absolutely losing my fucking mind!!!

<3 - J